Life behind the squares.

Life behind the squares

Do you have a drink in your hand? 

My husband and I seperated on Christmas Day 2015. I won't go in to messy details because that story is between my husband and I. But, needless to say I was feeling less than merry and bright. I moved in with my Dad and his now wife and daughter. I felt the hard hit of rock bottom. 

As I navigated the unfamiliar territory of custody schedules combined with the all-consuming pain of sharing the time of my son.

My time alone was filled with shame and anxiety. I used the gym as a place to escape and fill my time on my days without him.

My appetite tanked. I was eating far less than I needed to sustain the amount of activity I was doing. I prepped healthy foods, but would eat tiny portions. I just didn't feel hungry. Depression was all consuming. The time I spent exercising seemed to be the only time my mind was occupied. I went to the gym every day, sometimes more than once. I used it as a way to take my mind off of my life falling to pieces. 

Meanwhile on my feed I posted as if nothing was wrong. 

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As my marriage and family fell apart I continued to post as if nothing was wrong. I felt as if I owed my audience, feed and blog the message I had previously been putting out. Up until this point my feed was nothing but motivational quotes, my transformation and my family.

I continued to share my pictures and received tons of compliments of how great I looked. 

Sadly I was extremely underweight, unhappy and far from an example of health. During this time (at my lowest weight of my adult life) I received more inquires for modeling jobs that at any point in my career

The turning point...

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In Spring 2016 we began planning my sons third birthday party. My husband and I had yet to file divorce paperwork. We were finally at a place where we could speak to each other. We decided to plan my sons birthday party together. We hoped to create some sense of normalcy in what was then out hectic reality.

After coming together the lines of communication between my husband and I had finally reopened. We were both listening to one another and finding new ways to come together.

We found how precious our moments as a family were, as we spent more time together. 

In July on 2016 I moved back home and we officially decided to call off the divorce. Marriage is like a healthy lifestyle. If you stop investing and nurturing it will not remain maintained. It takes daily effort. We still have to work. Every day we are finding new ways to support one another. It takes learning from mistakes and creating lines of communication. Looking back at 2016 I can surely say that you can overcome the dark days and ones brimming with joy all in one calendar year.

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As I found peace in my home I also found peace with my body.

I realized nothing in life is perfect. I started doing workouts that felt good not that I "should do". I stopped worrying about every days food being perfect and focused on enjoying life. What did bring me happiness? Ending the war with my body. Making peace with the mirror. Realizing food was my friend. Exercising because it felt good not because I had to. My workouts turned in to an expression of what my body could do instead of how it looked at a result.  

Life behind the squares.

So much of what we see on social media is only part of the story. We idolize another persons life through these little squares showing nothing but a highlight. And even then that “highlight” has been filtered, edited then curated. I even can be guilty of this. The pressure of being an influencer and in the social media industry.  During this extremely dark and overwrought time in my life I continue to post as if nothing was wrong.  

This is my truth. I share it because I hope that my story can bring someone else healing or understanding. What we see on social media isn't always real. This is why I am so passionate about sharing my truth with as many people as possible. Look beyond the facade of post and stop comparing your life as you scroll. You never know what is really going on in someones life.